day 115

Today, I am 115 days sober. I’ve had really bad cravings the past few days. It started Halloween night when I was sitting in bed alone watching Netlix and munching out. For whatever reason, I just really wanted to get high. Every other year on Halloween, I was getting high or drunk – but not this year. This year I have spent the last three and a half months busting my ass off to be a better person. The cravings faded and I went on with my night. Yesterday, I went to a dispensary and picked up for a friend. Probably one of the worst choices I’ve made in recovery. I was extremely triggered, and it made me want to use again. Then there was today. After I dropped E off at school, I went to the rez to pick up smokes. I forgot to take my medication before I left, so I ended up taking them three hours later than I’m used to. As a result of this, my anxiety was through the roof most of the day. I had cravings again. But, instead of bottling those feelings up until they explode, I talked about it! Which seems like such a simple thing to do, but if you know me, you know that doesn’t come naturally to me.

Backtracking for a minute. E came home last night. I got the biggest hug when I picked her up and Tim Horton’s. We got home and played together for about an hour. We got allllll her LOL Dolls stuff out and set up, played for a bit, then she decides: “actually mom, I don’t want to play with this anymore”. I had to take a few deep breaths. So we cleaned up, and moved on to playing with something else. At 6:30 I took her over to Girl Guides, and she had a great night. She slept well last night and we cuddled lots – it was wonderful.

You might be asking yourself what I did to work through my anxiety today. Maybe you aren’t and could frankly care less – that’s cool too. I took deep, calming breaths. I meditated, and I talked about my feelings with a safe person that I love and trust. I then proceeded to lay in bed, relax, and watch The Watcher on Netflix – going through a true crime phase currently. I finished season 18 of Grey’s and now I’m sucked into the world of true crime.

E is at church group for the next 40 minutes. I’m listening to my parenting course while I type this. I’ve really enjoyed starting this blog up. I’ve always loved writing, and getting my thoughts out there is enjoyable for me. And hey, maybe one day my story can help someone else. That would be pretty cool. To help people realize that addicts are everywhere in our world, but we CAN recover. But life in recovery isn’t all rainbows and sunshine. Living life on life’s terms can be a bitch sometimes. But I promise you it’s worth it. As much as I feel all my sadness fully, I also experience all the happiness and joy to the fullest. I am present in the moment these days. I no longer experience withdrawal symptoms. I now prioritize my children all the time. Am I proud to admit that wasn’t always the case? Of course not. But that truly is the power of addiction.

I think I’m going to wrap it up here. Have a fantastic night everyone, and thank you for reading my rambling! If no one has said it to you yet today, I’ll be the first to tell you – I love you.